Between The Lines
by Beyond-Infinity01
Summary: Three years can create a big difference. Meredith has moved on, Derek clearly has not. What will happen once their lives collide once again? post 'Lay Your Hands On Me' ABANDONED
1. Chapter 1

**A/N:** Hi there! Just a few warnings first. I have no beta reader so mistakes of any sort are all on me. I should also warn you that this is not the most fluffiest fic out here. You're going have to hang in there because Mer and Der are not going to be together for a certain amount of time. This is a post 4x11 fic (which feels like a lifetime ago). It also means that it goes back to when Derek was being douchy and dating a certain plant. It'll be AU from 4x11 on. I hope you'll enjoy!

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Chapter 1

_Everyone's the same, our fingers to our toes  
We just can't get a ride, but we're on the road_

"All Falls Down" --- OneRepublic

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The first time he hears about the rumor is three weeks after their infamous break-up. He's dismissive about it, mostly because he thinks that he knows her well enough to determine that there's no way she would do such a thing.

So he goes about his day while she continues to ignore him at work (or anywhere else for that matter).

She has managed to get out from being under his service twice since they broke up and whenever she needed him for consult for one of her patients she didn't come to him herself.

She sent over one of her interns to do the dirty work. Needless to say, it's starting to piss him off. Still, he believes that despite the fact that she's actively avoiding him that there's no truth into the rumor.

When he sees her in the Chief's office a two days later he slowly starts to wonder if there might be truth after all. He doesn't want to face it, because that would mean that she's there to tie up the loose ends. It's something he doesn't want to face as a reality.

It would mean that she's so sick of him that she can't bear to work at the same workplace as him anymore. So he keeps telling himself that it's not true, but he has a harder time in convincing himself this time.

When he arrives at work three days after he witnessed her appointment with the chief, he finds Seattle Grace buzzing about the news of her impending departure. He's pretty sure that someone up there above was playing some sick joke on him when it was Rose of all people who had the privilege to inform him of the (dreadful) news.

He feels sick when he hears that today is her last day as a resident at Seattle Grace Hospital. The fact that she didn't come to tell him herself and that she's most likely not planning on coming to say goodbye to him don't surprise him, but they do make it much harder to accept her decision.

He hates that she's treating him like a complete a stranger, like he's completely irrelevant to her. So he decides to reassign his two surgeries and to lock himself up in his office to do paperwork all day long.

He's just not up for seeing her wander the hallways today and knowing it could very well be the last time he would ever see her again. He cannot bear to be near her and know that she's the love of his life while he apparently means nothing to her.

***

As he's going trough his mounting pile of paperwork Derek hears a knock on the door, he's hoping it's her. He knows how she likes to procrastinate, so maybe she saved her last goodbyes for him.

It's wishful thinking. Derek doesn't hide his disappointed when he sees Mark Sloan enter his office.

"So you've heard?" The plastic surgeon doesn't need to specify to which news he's referring to.

Derek simply nods in reply before he rests his head between his hands.

"I need a Neuro consult, so I figured to ask the Head of Neurosurgery for his services." he's clearly trying to cheer him up with the prospect of a surgery.

Back in New York it would have worked. Derek was always game and ready to take on the challenge whenever Mark asked him to do a complicated surgery together. It's not working now, he's a different person and nothing can take his mind of her.

"Try Weller or Krycheck." He practically snarls at Mark as he can't hide his frustration. "I'm catching up on my paperwork, that's what a responsible Head of a department also does."

"Fine." With those words the door slams shut and Derek is back to being alone.

He continues his paperwork for the rest of the day. He doesn't get any emergency pages and he knows why. Everyone knows that he prefers to be left alone for the day.

His secretary only checks in with him right before she leaves and then he decides to call it a day too. He's not able to focus anymore and he feels the need to do some drinking.

There's nothing left for him at Seattle Grace anyway and he needs a drink or two to digest that fact. Just when he's packed up and ready to leave he hears the sound of a knock on his door. He feels disappointed when he sees that it's Mark Sloan again.

"You're leaving?" Mark must apparently think that he's headed towards a nervous breakdown or something. He's here to check in on him for the second time and Derek doesn't like to be treated like a child. Especially not by Manwhore Mark Sloan.

"Yes Mark, would does it look like I'm doing?" He's not trying to hide his annoyance.

"Let go to Joe's. Drink some Single Malt Scotch and have a little competition of who scores the most women in one night. It'll be fun."

It causes one of those moments where Derek contemplates why he befriended Mark and his juvenile ways in the first place. "I can't Mark. I'm dating Rose, she wouldn't be too happy with your idea."

"What? That nurse can't tell you want you can or can't do. I thought the thing you had with her was casual anyway?"

"It is." He lets out a tired sigh, he doesn't want to discuss it with Mark. He doesn't want to hear Mark say that he has made a big mistake. So he takes the easy way out. "I'm just not up for it tonight Mark."

"Right." He pauses to choose his next words carefully. "Has she come to see you?" And both men know instantly about who they are talking now.

"No, she hasn't. Not that I expect her to anyway." The resentment is spilling out of every syllable, Derek mad it clear to Mark not to drop the subject.

"Well, I'm heading off to Joe's anyway. So I guess I'll be there if you change your mind."

Derek shrugs noncommittally then tells him that he'll maybe drop by and with that reply Mark leaves his office for the second time that day.

As Derek heads towards the elevator he feels like the entire hospital is staring at him. He knows he's looking terrible and that everybody wants to slow down and see how her departure is effecting him.

The last time he looked just as bad was in the weeks after she had nearly died, it's somewhat ironic that she's the only person who can effect him in such a way.

When the elevator doors open he's happy to enter the small space and to escape the eyes of his gossiping coworkers.

Except he doesn't get to escape at all. As faith would have it she of all people ends to be on the same elevator as him.

She doesn't acknowledge his existence and it angers him as always. He wants to shake some sense into her, to tell her to stop hurting him.

He wants her to at least tell him that she has changed her mind, that she's staying in Seattle after all. But he knows that it doesn't matter anyway, even if she were to stay, she's still the woman who will not be able to trust him and who doesn't want to be in a relationship with him.

For the corner of his eye he can see her biting her lower lip, one of her nervous habits. She doesn't look at him at all.

It frustrates him that she can be so dismissive of him, that she can jerk him around like he means nothing to her. (Maybe Mark was right after all).

For some reason she's able to pretend that they didn't share so many memories together and that she has never loved him at all.

He glances at her a couple of times. She still doesn't glance back a single time. She staring stoically at her black All Stars while one hand is resting on her stomach. She holds her purse in the other one and she's wearing her black trenchcoat. She's lost in her own thoughts.

They head outside the elevator doors at the same time, but she manages to find to exit the hospital much fast than Derek. She flees out of the hospital doors so fast so he can't keep up. (He never can keep up with her.)

He finds his car parked not too far away from hers. He throws his briefcase inside his car and looks up to see her drive out the parking lot. Unsure of what to do next, he starts his car and starts to drive towards the harbor.

He wants to follow her home and get on his knees to beg her to say. He's pretty sure that she won't appreciate it and most of all that she will tell him no. He doesn't want to go home either, so he goes to the place she took him to when they first started dating.

_I, um, know this place where there's an amazing view of sunrise over the ferryboats._

It was something she knew as a real Seattle resident, it was their place. Something they shared together.

It's cold and dark as he's overlooking the water as he sits on the hood of his black Lexus. He regards the very heavy rainfall as something that characters the bad day, it not due to the fact that it's just typical Seattle weather.

The intensity of the rain reminds him of that day when they sat in his car parked at this very spot, drinking wine, waiting for the rain to stop as he was teasing her about her about having called him a jackass that day. She was so playful and full of life back then.

_Seattle is surrounded by water on three sides._

It was always the water and the rain that defined this city so much, but it has always been a constant theme in their relationship.

Thanks to her felt more at home in Seattle then he ever felt in New York. He fell in love with her and with this city. He feels an anxiety set in about how he's going to continue to love this city once she leaves.

It all started out in a fun and flirtatious way and their relationship had very quickly developed into something much deeper. They shared a connection. It was something he had never shared before with any another woman. Maybe they got serious too quickly and it was destined not to work out because he betrayed her trust the first time around. Maybe she was leading him on and was never able to forgive him for what he did to her the first time around.

But he also knows that there's so much more to them than what happened the first time around. They were supposed to be together after all that has happened. She was supposed to know that she couldn't take life for granted and that she had to give their relationship a real chance.

_Remember when I was dead? Before I went in that water everything was so ... complicated. Hard. And then you pulled me out of the water ... and I came back to life. For a moment everything was so clear. As if the water had washed everything clean. Do you remember that?_

It was like she couldn't be with him after what happened, no matter how hard he tried she didn't let him in. Maybe she really stopped loving him along the way, she never said those three words to him again apart from that one time when she begged him to pick her.

Whatever it is, he knows that it had certainly changed their relationship and he was left wanting things she couldn't give to him anymore.

_I cannot trust you._

The words stung him deep when she uttered them four weeks ago. He disguised it by pointing out her shortcomings. She was always going for the reasons not to trust him and he couldn't do it anymore.

It bothers him that he can't comprehend why she doesn't want to let him in anymore. He thinks that has tried hard enough and has been patient long enough. She seemed to be unwilling.

Still, he wonders what will happen if he will show up on her doorstep right now. She will most likely not listen to him anyway. She will slam the door in his face, she will tell him that he's an untrustworthy bastard.

He knows that it's what she thinks of him, he can see it in her eyes when they pass each other in the hallways. He can see it very clearly in the looks her gets from his friends.

***

Two hours later he parks his car at the side of the street of 613 Harper Lane. He doesn't really know what he came to do, but he just wants to go and take a look. See if with his own eyes.

He was not prepared to see the scene that was unfolding at her doorsteps.

She saying her goodbyes to her friends and to Lexie Grey. That makes him jealous for sure. He always hated it when she let others in and shut him out, but the fact that she was saying goodbye to her half-sister whom she only knew for a short time felt like a kick in the gut to him.

It was like she was trying to say that she could trust other people, except him.

As he is witnessing how the women were tentively hugging each other he could see that Alex Karev was putting one her suitcases in what looked to be Cristina Yang's car. It meant that her best friend was going to take her to the airport, tonight. She was the one who was going to make sure that she would be on a plane to one of the numerous destinations that the hospital's gossip mill was talking about.

A voice inside his head keeps telling him to get out of his car and tell her to stop this. To tell her she's making a big mistake, but he knows that he doesn't have the right anymore.

It's killing him that he's nothing more than a bystander who is watching the love of his life leave for good.

He instantly starts to follow Cristina's car as she drives off a few minutes later. They're heading towards the airport as he expected. He finds himself parked from a save distance at Sea-Tac Airport twenty minutes later.

He decides to wait in his car, he cannot stomach to watch her board a plane. With regret he watches the two woman head towards the entrance of the airport. He feels like a stalker.

He ends up waiting in his car for exactly 47 minutes and then he sees Cristina Yang getting back inside her car all alone.

He knew what that meant. She has boarded her plane. He is alone and he hates himself for chasing her out of Seattle. But for the most part he's angry at her for walking away once again. For taking the easy way out instead of taking responsibility.

He's furious because she hurt him on purpose. Leaving him without saying goodbye. He's too stubborn to bring himself to get out of his car and book a ticket to follow her. (Even if he didn't even know where she was headed).

There was nothing he could do now, it was done. She left. Meredith Grey was out of his life, but definitely not out of his head.

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**A/N:** So yeah Meredith left town and Derek feels hopeless. I hope you liked the first chapter. Hitting the blue review button will make my day!


	2. Chapter 2

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Chapter 2. **

_I feel uptight when I walk in the city  
I feel so cold when I'm at home  
Feels like everything's starting to hit me  
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"Modern Guilt" --- Beck

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"Dr. Rocher, you can close up now." The second year resident was ecstatic to be rewarded with the honor to close up. Even though it was just a simple craniotomy, he was beyond thrilled that his superior let him complete the procedure.

"Thank you Dr. Grey." Dr. Rocher reminded Meredith of herself in a way. He was young and eager to learn and he showed great interest in her specialty. Like Meredith he proved to have a natural gift for surgery. Meredith had practically taken him under her wing since he started working as an intern at Massachusetts General Hospital.

"You're welcome." She allowed to show a softer side to the second year resident, but she also reminded him to focus when she added. "Just don't screw it up."

Content and with a smirk on her face she left the operating room.

She remembers how enthusiastic she used to get when her attendings used to let her perform certain parts of a surgery by herself when she started working at this hospital.

Now the craniotomy's were becoming routine procedures. She didn't feel the high she used to feel when she performed this procedure the first time around.

She was ready for the next step in her career and she knew that was going to have to make that step soon.

With seven months away from the start of her fellowship she knew that she was going to get much more liberty to perform advanced procedures by herself. The department head already let her do more complicated procedures in the last few months. She just couldn't wait to do advanced procedures on a daily basis.

"That was a flawless surgery Dr. Grey" She looks up and sees the chief of staff standing next to her. Both women were staring at the OR board.

"Thank you, Dr. Gibbs" Meredith pauses and continues the conversation. "To tell you the truth it's starting to become a routine."

"That's natural, it means you're ready for your fellowship Meredith. That it's time to spice things up."

"I guess so." She replies as pulls off her scrub cap and lets her hair loose.

Dr. Gibbs looked up at Meredith, they both knew that they would have a conversation soon about Meredith's next career move. Meredith was dreading the prospect of that long due conversation, but to Meredith's surprise her superior decided to drop it (for now).

"So turns out I'm glad you didn't go to that conference after all." Meredith was surprised by the older woman's statement.

"Really?" Meredith turned her head and quirked an eyebrow "So you finally came to realize that it would've been a boring conference anyway with dinosaurs who think they're dominate the field, but are really out of touch with reality." They both laugh at the mocking.

"That may be true Meredith, but I was actually referring to a special case we've got coming in tomorrow morning. A 39-year old woman with a tumor pressing against her frontal lobe. And since every decent neurosurgeon in my hospital is off to New York we're gonna need you for a consult and to operate of course." This is why Meredith liked Laura Gibbs so much, she always managed to let her staff be one step ahead. She let them in on tough cases instead of requesting a consult from another surgeon in the region.

Dr. Gibbs would supervise Meredith during the procedure, that was for sure, but Meredith would get freedom to run her own OR.

Meredith was also glad that her boss didn't punish her over the clash they had last week. Meredith had flat out refused to go the conference that was held in New York.  
Laura couldn't understand why she didn't want to go, especially because discussing treatments for malignant glioma's was on the agenda, something Meredith had been published about herself earlier this year.

The prospect of an advanced procedure made Meredith forget about the real reason why she didn't go to that conference. It was not that she didn't want to participate, it was all because she was not up to see the keynote speaker.

Not after all those years and especially not after she had moved on with her life.

She was glad that no one in Boston knew the real reason why she didn't want to go. Unlike Seattle Grace everybody seemed to respect her private life at Mass Gen.

It was the hospital where her mother used to work and people seemed to respect her a lot, but Meredith had managed to make name for herself in the years she's been working in Boston. She was no longer being seen as the daughter of Ellis Grey, she was Doctor Meredith Grey.

"I'm definitely up for it" her reply to Dr. Gibbs request was just as enthusiastic as Dr. Rocher's a few minutes ago.

"Wanna get some coffee Grey?" Laura asked.

Meredith nodded in reply and both women started to head towards the coffee cart.

"So have you made any decision on your fellowship yet?" She was starting to press the other subject Meredith was avoiding.

"No not really." she answered truthfully.

"You know I would very much like you to stay Meredith. The hospital can really use you, not just as a fellow but also as an attending when you complete your fellowship and I would also hate to lose you too."

"I know, and I really like working here… but I think I'm going to consider all the options that are on the table." She paused for a minute began to explain her position. "Truth is that since Dr. Warren retirement there's no big shot neurosurgeon I could learn from here. Will all due respect to the others." She was aiming to be one of the best and to learn as much as possible during her fellowship. In order to achieve that she needed a mentor like the retired Dr. Warren.

She continues her explanation "I got offers from all the big teaching hospitals and even from Mayo. I'm think I'm going to apply to all the teaching hospitals with great Neuro facilities and a good staff. Then I'll just have to wait and see what will happen."

"You know that each one will all take you in Meredith. So you have to make a decision eventually." Laura saw right trough Meredith, she knew that Meredith felt a lot of apprehension about making a decision.

"I know…I just really hard."

"Well maybe I'll manage to finally recruit Dr. Suarez from Sinaï. You could learn a lot from her." Meredith smiled, her boss had been trying to recruit Dr. Suarez ever since Dr. Warren retired and she knew it was not going to happen any time soon.

"Or maybe I could try to bring in some one better. What about Dr. Shepherd, I think he still Head of his department at Seattle Grace." Laura thought out loud.

Meredith dropped dead at the mention of his name. Dr. Gibbs turned around to see her frozen to the spot and her face lit up in from excitement.

"Will you stay if I get him here? Just say it. Anything for my rising star. I'll make a call to Seattle right away." She clearly misplaced Meredith's anxiety for excitement.

"No… no, you definitely don't have to recruit Derek Shepherd for me." She had to get that idea out of her boss' head immediately.

"Why? He is the best in the country. You know him right? You must have worked quite a bit with him when you were doing your internship in Seattle?"

"Yeah… I uh I certainly did and that's why I don't want to work with him ever again." she was ready to start rambling again.

"Really? I've always heard positive things about him. That he is a great teacher and likes to take on impossible cases. Your kind of thing." Dr. Gibbs was in the dark as to why Meredith was not excited about the prospect of having the best neurosurgeon of the country in her hospital.

"That's true. He is one of the best surgeons I have ever seen and all that is true. It's just… I.. euhm.. Derek and I… we euhm" she stopped talking. She didn't know how to explain her complicated history with Derek Shepherd to her boss.

She didn't need to explain though. "Oh? Oh!" realization hit the older woman, Meredith knew Laura for three years now and she knew that was rarely left speechless.

She found her words after she recovered from the news "So you and Shepherd huh. Who would've thought."

"Yeah" Meredith mumbled in reply.

"Well. Too bad you didn't have a kid with him. It would've been destined to be an extraordinary surgeon." Laura had a big smirk on her face while Meredith again froze on the spot.

"Ooh soar subject huh? I take it he's the kind of ex-boyfriend you harbor a lot of bitter feelings about?" Laura said with a sympathetic tone.

"Yeah something like that." She was not going to explain her complicated history with Derek to Laura Gibbs. She did not want to look bad in the eyes or her boss who fully respected her.

"Well that certainly explains why you didn't want to go to the conference. He's one of the keynote speakers if I remember correctly." Her reply was smug.

Sometimes Meredith just hated her boss, she always knew everything. Meredith just remained silent.

"Knowing you, he must have done something really bad to get you to go about your way and avoid him that actively." Her curiosity was stirred. It was not that she liked to mingle in her surgeons personal lives, but the two women had become friendly over the last three years.

Laura Gibbs had a soft spot for Meredith Grey and always looked out for her. Her interest was particularly raised because she never heard Meredith mention Derek Shepherd and because she realized that Meredith had passed up on the conference for personal reasons.

"Well the bottom line is that he was my boss and that he was married and that he never decided to tell me that until his wife showed up." That was definitely not the whole truth, but certainly more than enough to make someone understand why she would avoid him at all cost.

"Wow! He was married and he didn't tell you?" Dr. Gibbs was shocked.

"Yes, he never said a thing about it. I heard it from his wife herself."

"Son of a bitch. Gosh, things would be so much better if we were lesbians. Men are nothing but trouble." Bitterness was dripping from Laura's voice.

"Yes they are Laura." She was still bitter towards Derek which made it easier to agree with Laura. She was not going to let her know that, despite all the things he did to her, she still had feelings for the man.

"Sometimes I wonder why God even created them, they're no good." Meredith smiled and waited for her to start dishing about her ex-husband, but she was spared this time.

Meredith looked at her with a raised eyebrow as she sipped her coffee. "True, but there are exceptions."

"Yes, but Nate is different." Laura got a mischievous look on her face. "But hey, just think about Nate, he would want to stay in Boston." She was relentless in persuading Meredith to stay and she was using every trick in the book to convince Meredith.

Meredith knew her boss has some valid points. "Yeah, I think he does like it here too. He has lived here his whole life after all."

Truth to be told Meredith was practically a Bostonian too. She had lived for the first five years of her life in Seattle. She had a blissful childhood when she lived on the west coast until it all fell apart.  
The second time around it started out pretty good, she was good at her job and she was happy with Derek until it was ripped apart too. Seattle seemed to do that to her.  
In Boston tings might not always have been perfect, ideal or what she wished for, but it was _real_ and she was at ease in Boston.

"See, you're all pensive. You should stay. And I will do you a favor and try to get Suarez on my team. Shepherd must be getting old anyway, we don't need him. I can't even remember the last time I read some interesting publication of him anyway." Laura Gibbs had a talent for spinning the facts to her liking.

"Yeah" her reply was hesitantly. Meredith could exactly remember when the last time he was published. It was four months ago in Contemporary Neurosurgery. He wrote about an article about Flowmetry-Assisted Aneurysm Clipping, a procedure he had developed himself. She read it over three times, strictly for professional reasons of course.

The sound of Dr. Gibbs pager broke the silence between the two women. "Don't rush yourself into making a decision Grey. You will make the right one when the time is right."

"I've gotta go before the hospital starts crumbling down. Say hi to Nate for me will ya." With those parting words Laura ran off towards the ER, leaving Meredith with a lot to think about.

She knew that if she were to stay in Boston that she would do it out of obligation. Dr. Gibbs had done her a huge favor by accepting her into the program midway into the second year of residency.

She wanted out of Seattle very badly back then and Mass Gen took her in. She couldn't just abandon them now because she was getting shiny offers from all over the country.

Fact of the matter is that Meredith has ambitions and that she was being seen as a rising star in the field. Was she going to pass up her shots out of loyalty?

If she'd take one the offers she could learn from some the best surgeons in her field. With the right training she could be able to establish a better reputation quick.

It would be a hard decision to make, Mass Gen provides her to her needs. She had a lot of liberty and she befriended the chief. It would be different if she were to go to Mayo or Cleveland. She would have to adapt to a different environment and so did Nate.

Then there was always Seattle. Seattle that had become Derek's property now. She got an offer from Dr. Webber himself. She appreciated it, but she wasn't sure if she could ever go back there.

Derek did haunt her in her dreams on regular basis, maybe less frequent than before, but he was still in her head a lot of the time.  
She was also crammed with guilt after leaving without saying anything to him. The guilt had faded away in the course of the years, but it was still there. It still existed.

A year after she was stationed in Boston, she felt like she belonged and she was genuinely happy with the way her life turned out.

Whenever Meredith used to call Cristina the first year she was living in Boston, Cristina used to tell her about Derek being relentless in trying to find out where she was living.

Meredith was also told that he stopped his pursuit after a while, she didn't want to acknowledge that it had hurt her. But she was secretly wishing that he was still longing for her, that he was desperate to find her.

He didn't know where she moved to back then, Cristina wasn't going to tell him and she made the Chief promise he wouldn't either. It seemed like he kept his word.

She grew disgusted with herself when she was talking about Derek constantly on the phone with Cristina. She vowed not to speak of him again, he never was a favorite topic of discussion to Cristina anyway.

The picture Cristina has painted made her happy about the choice she made. It took him two months to break up with that nurse. It took him another month to start harassing her friends for her whereabouts.

But Meredith was sure now that Derek knew now that she lived in Boston and that she worked at Mass Gen. He surely must have read one of her publications and he must know now. He never tried to contact her. She received his message loud and clear, he was trough with her too. She didn't want anything to do with him back then en he also didn't want to now.

When she got published for the first time, last year, she was afraid when Derek might miraculously show up at work for weeks. He didn't. It was unclear to herself if she was relieved or disappointed about it. Probably both.

She was interrupted from her deep thoughts when she heard the voice call her name.

"Dr. Grey" she looked up to see Dr. Rocher approaching her. "I just checked in on Mister Kendall and he's stable. Do you need me for anything else for the rest of the day?"

"Nope. Just make sure to tell the resident on call to check in on Mister Kendall on an hourly basis. You try to get some sleep. I have interesting case tomorrow morning and I need you to be sharp. Ok?" It felt good to let Rocher deliver her instructions. She wanted to go home.

"Absolutely Dr. Grey. Have a good evening."

"You too." And with those words she was heading to the locker room. She was ready to go home.

***

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**A/N:** So this chapter was from Meredith's point of view. She has been living in Boston for three years at this stage. She has a new life and is a different person now, but she's also the same Meredith by actively avoiding Derek for example.

The next chapter is going to be from Derek's point of view and I can already tell you that there is going to be some serious Mer/Der interaction.

I also wanna thank everyone who reviewed the previous chapter, I really appreciate it and it really encourages me to update faster. So keep 'm coming!


	3. Chapter 3

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Grey's Anatomy, if I did there would have been a LEGAL wedding.

**A/N**: Thank you guys for the comments:) I was also overwhelmed by the number of story alerts I'm getting, I hope it doesn't mean people want to be alerted to see how bad the next chapter is *lol*  
Anyways, this chapter is the longest so far, so enjoy!

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**Chapter 3 **

_Why do you do this to me?  
You penetrate right through me  
Every time I wind up back at your door_

"Back At Your Door" --- Maroon 5

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As Meredith was continuing her peaceful life in Boston, Derek was stuck with living his unhappy life in Seattle. Over the years he had turned into a complete workaholic, he was a changed person after Meredith had left town. Derek the eternal optimist vanished on the same day that Meredith had thrown in the towel for good.

It was a change that everyone around him had felt; he was not the picture perfect of politeness anymore. He was the dark and broody neurosurgeon who lived alone in his trailer in the woods.

His friendship with Mark was one the few things that remained the same over the years. Mark was the only person in Seattle with whom Derek didn't have a somewhat strained relationship with.

All of Meredith's friends were being avoided be Derek. It was all due to the fact that it had taken him two months after Meredith's departure to break up with Rose. He had began to see what his life without Meredith would turn out like and Derek didn't like it for one single bit.  
He was still more than ready for the kids, the dog and the house with the picked white fence, but it had taken him two months to figure out that he was nowhere near ready to have those things with someone else besides Meredith. So feeling trapped and suffocated, he ended things with the nurse.

After skulking around for another month Derek decided that it was time to try to get Meredith back in his life. His pride told him not to, that she had already ended it for good. She had deliberately wounded him along the way and she made it perfectly clear that she was done with him.

Still, his love for her remained as strong as it always had been. So he eventually decided that he had to try, maybe she had evolved now and was willing to try to trust him again. Maybe she was really out there somewhere waiting for him to show up on her doorsteps.

So Derek set his mind to trying to figure out where she was living. Lexie and her naivety was his first target, but she unfortunately didn't know where her half-sister had moved to. Out of sympathy for Derek she did tell him that Cristina Yang and Richard Webber were the only ones who knew where Meredith resided.

Derek settled on trying to get the truth out of Webber first, he would help him as his friend. He figured that Webber owed him that much.

But Richard Webber had other intentions, he apparently promised Meredith to never tell anyone were she lived and not to tell Derek in particular. That last bit was another kick in the gut from Meredith he could not handle.  
Derek kept trying with Richard, but it seemed like the older man had made a firm decision. Richard also seemed to resent Derek for making one of his better residents leave town and it was clear to Derek that Richard Webber was not going to break the promise he had made to Meredith Grey.

Even though he knew it was futile, Derek tried Izzie and George. The two of them genuinely knew nothing as he expected and they both seemed to be sorry for that. He also tried with Alex once, only to get threatened in return and scolded for being a son of a bitch for driving her out of town.

Derek's last resort was Cristina Yang, he held off approaching her with the million dollar question as long as he could but he knew had to ask eventually. She didn't want to help Derek, but he didn't back off. It resulted in harassing her for over a month. She wouldn't budge -just like he expected- not even when he tried to bribe her with surgeries.

So he eventually gave up, just like she seemed to have given up on him months ago. He went back to feeling bitter about her departure and reasoned that it was Meredith who pulled the plug. He realized that it was impossible to convince Meredith to be with him if she didn't even want him to find her in the first place. She was the one who hasn't looked back, not a single time, so he had to do what she seemed to have done months ago: get on with his life.

It was on a Wednesday, exactly four months and six days after Meredith had left, that Derek decided to do to move on with his life.

***

His decision to move on with his life didn't change that much. He was still avoiding Meredith's friends for the most time and he was mostly acting passive aggressive towards Richard because he wouldn't tell him what he wanted to hear.

A lot of things had changed, but he still didn't manage to get over her. She was still consuming his thoughts three years after her departure and it made him hate her for that. That she was able to still incite those feelings inside of him while she didn't look back.

Derek let's out a sigh as he crosses the hallway. He doesn't feel like answering the page he got from Richard Webber 10 minutes ago.

Derek heads towards his superior's office anyway because he fears that if he gets paged for the second time he might have to endure another one Richard Webber's outburst and he was definitely not in the mood for that.

He enters the chief's office after he softly knocks on the door. Derek lets out another sigh as the man signals for him to come in and Derek mentally prepares himself for what he's about to walk into. He was not up to hear Richard tell him that he has to start dating again and to stop spending so many hours at the hospital.

"Ah Derek. There you are!" Richard seemed to be in an upbeat mood. _Great._

"What's the matter Richard?" Derek's reply was rather hasty.

"The new fellowship applications are in. I didn't have the time to look trough those of your department, but we need to make some decisions about whom we're going to accept soon. We don't want the best applicants being swept away by other programs. So I'd appreciate them if you'd go over them as soon as possible."

Derek finds himself face to face with a stock of files on the chief's desk while Richard points to them. _More paperwork, not so great._

"Sure, no problem." It's one those annual tasks Derek has to endure as Chief of Neurosurgery at a teaching hospital. It's the fifth time he has to do this and he has become pretty handy in picking the right applicants.

"Be sure to put forward some promising names, your department could use some spice." Richard added with a strict tone.

Derek decides not to take the jab personally "I that all?"

"Yes. Just review them and pick out ten who you would like to consider. We can discuss them Tuesday and present the five we decide on to the board. There's a board meeting next week and I'd like to make it definite then."

"Sure. I'll go over them right away and make a decision over the weekend" He leaves Richard's office with the stack of files in his hands and heads towards his own office.

He decides to look trough each file swiftly as he enters his office. He will take the most promising applications home to review them over the weekend.  
He goes trough each file systematically, he reads the basics and makes three piles. The ones he will most likely pick, the ones he definitely won't and the ones he's not sure what to make out of them.

When he opens the sixth file he's perplexed when an all but familiar name catches his eyes.

_Grey, Meredith M.D._

He stares at the picture that's plastered on the first page of her application form for almost a minute. He rereads her name a dozen times just to be sure that his eyes are not playing some sick trick on him. It's really her, he's not hallucinating.

The information in her file tells him all the things he knows about her now. That she works at Mass Gen and that she has been published two times. That she has specialized in Neurosurgery, just like he found out when he saw her first publication on experimental techniques to remove glioma's a year ago.

It had made him proud and angry at the same time when he saw her first publication last year. Proud because she was a rising star is his field, angry because he was not here to witness it and to share her triumphs with him.

He had drank a whole bottle of tequila on the day he found out and woke up in disarray the next morning. He had fought the urge to pick up the phone to call to Mass Gen, to get Dr. Grey on the line back then. He was agonizing over it for weeks. In the end he decided to let it be.

When he saw her second publication later that year, he figured that she was well on her way to become one of the best surgeons in his field. She was being published as a resident, she was making name for herself and she seemed to be very career driven. He had found some form op acceptance and he handled it much better.

A little while after that. Derek had gotten an invitation to be the key note speaker at a medical conference that was going to be held in New York. He was working on clinical trail himself, he was trying to treat inoperable gliomas and he figured that she would attend it too.

She would have to, she was making name for herself and no way a surgeon was going to pass up on an opportunity to attend a big conference where the treatment she was published was being discussed.

He felt dejection when he was confronted by her absence. He had met two of her colleagues from Mass Gen and he tried to ask about her. He understood from them that she was not in the mood to attend the conference. They weren't very talkative about her, but it was another sign that proved to him that she didn't want to have anything to do with him.

Maybe something has chanced now, why else would she apply for a fellowship at Seattle Grace after avoiding him all those years?

He runs his finger over the picture and decides that she looks as beautiful as she always has been. He knows that due to the requirements that it's a recent picture and he can see how different she looks. Apart from the tan and the blonder hair, she's got something serene over her. But she's also still the same as the last time he saw her up close in that damned elevator three years ago.

His head is in turmoil. All kinds of questions keep running trough his head. Why didn't the chief tell him that she was offered a fellowship? Why did she want to come back here? Was he able to be her boss and behave professionally around her? What's her life like? Is she coming back to Seattle for him?

He continues to scan every detail in her application for the next ten minutes. It's impressive to say the least. Stellar letters of recommendation, two publications in a high profile medical magazine and more experience than your average neurosurgical resident. Yes she would be a great addition to his team.

He eventually flips back to the fist page and looks for her address. He saves it in has Blackberry. (He tells himself that he's so not crossing a line with doing so.)

He feels like he's going insane. Meredith might be coming to Seattle Grace and her presence would be a reality. He can't wrap his mind around it. Why is she coming back all of a sudden?

First she was actively making sure that he wouldn't find her for two years, then all of a sudden she seemed to be okay with him knowing where she worked and lived and now he's confronted with a fellowship application that meant that she was coming back to Seattle.

There were times that Derek Shepherd could never wrap his mind around the mind of Meredith Grey, this was definitely one of those moments. He needed to know what this meant, he needs to know if she's she coming back for him.

A huge part of him hopes that she finally has regretted her decision, that she's willing to give them that one last chance he longed for three years ago (and ever since). Before he fully realizes what he doing, he turns on his laptop and he finds himself on the website of American Airlines booking a flight to Boston for later that day.

Richard won't mind that Derek will take the weekend off. He needs to see her. He needs to know for once and for all. He can't sit her all day wondering what if. It's time to face her and to see what is really left of their relationship.

***

It was almost dark as Derek gets out of the cab he took from the airport. He's tired after his eight hour flight. He hopes that he at least looked halfway decent. He does look decent with a crisp white button down shirt with a green v-neck sweater and dark jeans. It's vain to be thinking about his appearance, but his insecurities are getting the better hand of him.

As he steps out the cab, he finds himself staring at a beautiful mansion. He can see a porch swing from the distance, he also sees a parked car.

The house reminded him of her old on Harper Lane, except this one is bigger. It has a huge driveway. As he comes closer he can see that he lights are on. It means that she is home.

He heads straight towards the door and rings the doorbell before he loses his nerve. He nervously waits thirty seconds before someone answers the door.

He finds himself face to face with Meredith who's wearing a Red Sox t-shirt with faded jeans. Her hair is in a messy bun and the color was draining for her face. It was like she was staring at a ghost.

"Mer.." he can not muster anymore than that, he seems to have forgotten all the words he wanted to say to her for so many years.

She finds her voice before he does "What are you doing here?" he immediately detects the hostility in her voice.

"I came to see you." It's the most honest and dumb answer he could give her. Off course he came to see her, she knows that he couldn't have another possible reason to be here.

"W.. Why?" her voice strains and she tries to hold it together "After all those years. Why?" her voice was barely beyond a whisper.

"I just had to see you." He's frank and she can bring herself to reply.

"Aren't you going to let me in?" he flashes a cocky grin, hoping that his charming and teasing ways will still have the same affect on her. But his attitude only angers her.

"No I'm not gonna let you in!" He could tell that from the look on her face that she was about to beat him to pulp with her tiny ineffectual fists. He knew that look very well. Or she was going to hit him with her purse.

Her anger towards him confuses him though. He doesn't understand why she doesn't have the courtesy to let him in her home. It doesn't add up. She is willing to move to Seattle and work with him again, but now she's unable to allow him inside her home.

"You have don't have the right to just show up here Derek, not anymore!" making it very clear to Derek that it's too late and that she's still harboring the same feelings as when she left.

"But you ran away Meredith. I didn't know where you went, how you were. You disappeared on me in a whim. How was I supposed to try if I didn't know where you lived?" he didn't come her to accuse her, but she's being unreasonable and he wants her to understand that. "I didn't where you went for know for two years!"

"We were done Derek, you preferred some stupid nurse over me. So if you can blame yourself for the fact that I left! You made me leave Derek!" It seemed like she was willing to fight back with verbal punches.

"You didn't leave. You ran away. You ran away from Seattle, you ran away from what we had. You're the one who ultimately gave up on us." He was sounding more and more desperate, but he was getting annoyed by her distorted point of view.

"No I moved on. Just like you did Derek. I just decided not to do it in Seattle and to flaunt it all in your face." She could see the crumbled look on his face. She only adds to his hurt. "You didn't have to come all the way to Boston to rehash everything that is in the past. What's done is done."

His plan had backfired. She was supposed to by happy to see him, maybe shocked but not angry and eager to close the door in his face.

"Wait. Just.. just… I know what I did to you was wrong. And I'm sorry for that. I just want to know if there a chance? Even if it's a tiny one, I need to know Meredith. You're coming back to Seattle and I just need to know if…" He could see that the look on her face was softening. Maybe she felt some form of pity for the man who was still living in the past who seemed to be unable to move on. Or maybe she was genuinely sorry for the way things went between them.

She looks down and starts to answer him with her eyes glued to the ground. "It's too late Derek." She looks up at him with a guilty look on her face.

"Do you… Do you have someone else?" he needs to ask her, he doesn't want to hear the answer to his question.

"Yes" her reply is firm and she looks back down.

He feels shattered, what he feared most is a reality. She has moved on, there's another man keeping her bed warm at night. That's why she was not letting him in, that very man would kick him out of _their _house instantly.

"Tell me, does he make you happy?" He needs to let her know that he still wants her, no matter what. That she is still the one for him and that he is the only one who can make her genuinely happy.

"Does he make you feel safe? Does he love you as much as I love you?" he sounds very forceful and determent, but all he gets in return is silence.

"Tell me does he?" he moves closer, but he doesn't touch her. He's confident that she won't be able to answer his question with a 'yes'. No one loves Meredith Grey as much as Derek Shepherd does, she knows that.

She's still quit before she answers his question with the one word he didn't want to hear.

"Yes he does." She looks up and Derek can see that from the look in her teary eyes that she's telling the truth. "Very much so." She holds her tears at bay, but he senses regret or sorrow. Maybe she does regrets moving on.

It's not much of a consolation for Derek. His heart was already broken into a million pieces when she left, but now those pieces were being crushed to dust by her words. He never felt this much heartache in his life ever before. He was really too late this time and there was nothing he could do about it now.

"All right. I'll leave you alone then." His parting words are barely beyond a whisper and they were filled with rejection. He turns around and he hears her front door slam shut. He takes in the surrounding as the tears start to form in his eyes.

He has no claim to her now, she has moved on. Was there a ring on her finger? He should've paid attention or maybe not. He did not want to know if she was married to another man.  
He was not ready to have the mental image in his had of playing house with another man. He had to endure it is she were to move to Seattle and Derek has no idea how he's going to handle that without experiencing jealous rage.

He's standing still, he knows that he has to before she comes out and starts yelling or before her boyfriend or husband starts to tell him to leave Meredith alone. He starts to head out and looks at the black station wagon that was parked.

It seems like an unusual car for Meredith to drive, but when he takes a better look be gets taken back by what he sees.

There's a baby seat in it the car and that makes it clear. Why she was so determined and why she was so shocked to see him. She's has not only moved on, but she has also given birth to someone else's child. He feels nauseous and wants to throw up. He wants to get out of Boston as fast as he can, he needs to take the first flight out of this place and drink as much booze on the plane as possible.

The realization that his life has been on hold for three years and that it all has been for nothing is a devastating conclusion that he doesn't want to accept. Denial would work best. He was not going to accept that the great love of his life has ended all his hopes and dreams for good.  
He was not going to accept that at 42 years he had no prospect of having the wife, kids and the picked white fence he so longed for while Meredith was having all those things with another man. Another man. Another man.

He goes back to Seattle without any hope left. He was too late and he he'd have to deal with that.

***

* * *

**A/N:** Hope ya'll are not too angry with me… Derek had to finally come to realize what he has done to them. He needs to know that he has a huge stake in Meredith leaving town. Now is the time to reflect and come to terms with the fact that Meredith has moved on with her life and that she is a mother now. I'd like to say that Derek assumes a great many things in this chapter and I can confirm that being a mother is a correct thing to assume. I'm not (yet) speaking out about anything else.  
As you can imagine Meredith's world has been shaken up by Derek's visit, we'll see more of the consequences in the next chapter.

It will take a little longer for me to update next time, so I little quiz to keep you busy. Some of you might wonder why Meredith lives in such a big house, it's one of the following. Is it because:

a. It's an appropriate place to live for Mer and her bright and shiny family (slowly backs away out of the room…)

b. It's another one of Ellis' old homes

c. It's because Meredith has always loved big houses with picket white fences

The first person who guesses the right will win a condom out of MerDer's cookie jar. No seriously, you can get a one-shot written by me if you want. MerDer off course and you can give a promt, you have to be logged in though so I can contact you!

I'd love to hear your thoughts about this chapter 3


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N:** So here's a another chapter from Meredith's point of view. She's clearly shaken up by Derek's visit last chapter. You'll get to know more about her life and her struggles. Christina also makes an appearance -I hope that I've written her in character- she's a difficult character to write for me. I hope you'll enjoy it.

* * *

**Chapter 4**

**Warning Sign**

_A warning sign,  
I missed the good part then I realized,  
I started looking and the bubble burst._

_"Warning Sign"--- Coldplay_

* * *

Meredith had quickly closed her front door and crumbled on the floor, resting her back against the door as she was experiencing a dreadful fear.

_That did not just happen. It did not. It did not._

It was all she could think of as she the mental image of Derek ran trough her head. He stood there looking so irresistible, but the desperate look on his face the was killing her.

_What have I done. What have I done. What have I done._.

Knots were forming in her stomach. She was the cause of his distress.

He stood there looking as irresistible as always, aside from the grey strands in his hair he hadn't aged that much at all. The way he was staring at her with those piercing blue eyes that were already haunting her every day was unbearable.

Nothing could have possibly prepared her for the confrontation with Derek. She was caught off guard. She had expected this visit to happen a year ago when she was she was excited about her first publication. She was on the edge for weeks back then.

She even expected that he might show up or call the second time that she was published, but she certainly didn't expect it now.

The application form she sent in to Seattle Grace two weeks prior must have been the catalyst. That much she knew, but she honestly thought that he was not going to show up on her doorsteps. She wasn't prepared to face him. (At least not yet.)

She had noticed that he looked so lost and broken. That it seemed like he was stuck and that he couldn't move on.

The tears she was holding at bay started to flow freely once she closed the door. She didn't have to pretend that she was unaffected by Derek Shepherd anymore. She sobbed slowly as she rested her head on her knees.

Her moment of seclusion was soon disturbed by a male voice that was calling for her.

"Mommy!" His voice was loud. It took a Meredith a moment to realize that they were playing Big Brain Academy on the Nintendo Wii together before they were interrupted by the ringing of the doorbell.

She was making sure that he was burning all his energy so that he would fall asleep. Lately he didn't want to go to bed on time and she figured that burning all his pent up energy might be a good way to get him to sleep on time.

"Mommyyy" He was sounding impatient now and his voice was coming closer too.

Before Meredith could collect herself he stormed into the hallway to see what was keeping his mother away.

"Who at the door mommy?" He was a curious boy, he always had been.

"No one" she was quickly wiping the tears from her cheeks, making herself presentable to her son.

"Oh" he seemed skeptical, but he was getting concerned about the tears he could see in his mother's eyes.

"Why you crying mommy?" His annoyed tone from earlier was gone, he seemed rather worried.

Meredith brushed his question off as quick as she could. "It's okay Nate. Come here, let's finish the game." She replied with outstretched hands as she stood up.

The little boy jumped into his mothers arms. She tilted him and he pressed a kiss on Meredith's cheek, as if he knew that she needed to be consoled. Meredith ruffled his dark hair in return.

It had made her feel better and momentarily forget about her inner turmoil.

***

The bubble Meredith had been living in the past few years had definitely burst after Derek's visit. The doubt and guilt she's been experiencing since his she came face to face with him has been eating away at Meredith for weeks now.

She was continually doubting whether she was going to accept the position at Seattle Grace Hospital or not.

She was procrastinating the decision she had to make soon. Seeing him brought her back to a whole new reality. She was rather worried about the prospect of entering the lion's den if she were to return to Seattle.

Her rational side tells her that if she goes to Seattle that she has to go for her career and not for Derek. She's doubting Seattle as a possibility more than ever before.

Derek's presence was a huge shock to her and made her realize that she cannot continue this pretense forever. She knows that she has to stop telling herself that Derek is nothing more than a random ex-boyfriend.

The fear that he might find out that she is a mother now is gripping her.

Meredith's lost in her own thoughts as she's sitting on a lounge chair in the backyard overlooking Nate who was kicking his new bal around. It was a beautiful day in June and the sun was shining. Everything seemed perfect.

Meredith had her sunglasses on and Nate was sporting blue gap t-shirt and shorts. A beautiful image for a bystander who could see. Nate who is playing with ball like he was going to be a soccer star and Meredith in on the lounge chair enjoying the weather and the peaceful surroundings.

But nothing is what is seems.

Meredith barely takes notice of Nate telling her excitedly that he was able to kick the ball further away then last week. No, Meredith was preoccupied with other things.

She looks up at her son with a smile on her face. "Very good Nate". She then grabs her cell phone and dials a familiar number.

"Look Mommy!" Nate continues showing off another one of his tricks with the ball.

"Very good." She replies rather absently as she waits for Cristina to pick up her phone. "Just keep playing with the ball, okay honey?".

She feels very Ellis-like by telling her son to do so. The realization sickens her. Ellis used to do the exact same thing many times before.

_"Meredith just go play. I'm busy. Can't you see?" _

Ellis used to sit at the same place as Meredith and do her paperwork while six or seven year old Meredith ran around in this very backyard.

At least Ellis was completely focused on her career while Meredith was obsessing over a man. Oh if her mother could only see her now.

"You know it's still morning here in Seattle" Cristiana Yang was grouchy and interrupted Meredith's deep thoughts.

"Oh stop complaining. You must've been up before dawn to start trolling for surgeries."

"That would've been a good reason to wake up early for, but I have the day off today."

"What's wrong? Are you sick or something?" the idea of Cristina taking a free day worried Meredith.

"Every now and then the chief chooses to enforce his stupid 60 hour limit rule." She replied with an unreasonable tone.

"Aha. So I really woke you up huh." It didn't make Meredith feel that guilty. "Oh well see at as a favor I'm doing for Callie. You can make yourself useful by cleaning the apartment. You probably haven't done it a single time since I left town…. or ever before."

"You've never seen my new apartment." As if that was a reason to point out that it didn't cleaning "And there's no chance in hell I'm going to clean."

"Fine." She let out a sigh.

"So why are you calling me?"

"No reason" Meredith still liked to pretend that there was nothing wrong.

"Sure. Spill, you've been acting weird for weeks now" So she had caught up on the fact that she had gone back to acting like old-Meredith in the past few weeks.

"I'm not acting weird" Denial was still a friend of Meredith.

"You totally are and so is She-." she stopped abruptly. She was not going to mention _him_ to her. It was a deal that they struck a couple of months after she had left Seattle.

Meredith had had enough of hearing about Derek dating the nurse or about Derek who was acting like a passive aggressive jerk after he apparently dumped her.

How was Meredith supposed to move on if she kept asking about him? Cristina had happily obliged to her best friend's request and he was rarely mentioned in their phone calls anymore.

"You mean Derek. Derek has been acting weird, hasn't he?" She hated the edgy tone she used, but she wanted to know if her intuition was right.

"I thought we weren't supposed to talk about him anymore. And the answer is yes, the bastard has been acting weirder than usual. He's been shooting me a lot of angry glances. Don't think I did anything to offend him though." Cristina dealt with Derek on a daily basis. Being chief resident forced him to turn to Yang to request interns or residents. They never were on friendly terms to begin with, but he had been particularly cold towards Cristina in the last few weeks.

"No you didn't." the reply rolled out of Meredith's mouth before she realized what she was implying.

"And how would you know that?" Cristina was wide awake now.

"Because.."

"Because what… spill Meredith. I don't have all day." Cristina was growing impatient.

"He.. he euhm came to visit be last month." she spilled.

"He did not!" Cristina was puzzled.

"He really did." verifying her previous statement.

"Oh let me guess he showed up at Mass Gen and you did the McNasty with the McBastard in an on-call room and then you freaked out and told him that he should leave you alone. Am I right?" Meredith wasn't sure if Cristina was mocking her or if it was a serious guess.

"No.. that did definitely not happen. He showed up at my house." She stated matter-of-factly.

Cristina was silent for another moment.

"What did he find out?" She asked in with a worried tone.

"Nothing."

"Well then what happened? What did he want anyway?" Cristina was still puzzled.

"He asked me for a another chance." she replied candidly.

"He shows up on your doorsteps after all those years and asks you for a chance. Why would he do that all of a sudden?" Cristina didn't see the logic.

Meredith was silent for another moment, Cristina could only hear the distant sound of Nate who was playing.

"Because… Because he might have seen my application for a fellowship at Seattle Grace" the words came out in a really low voice.

"So you're considering moving back to Seattle?" Meredith couldn't place Cristina's reaction. On the one hand she seemed surprised but she also sensed disapproval in her tone.

"Yes. No. I don't know. I don't know Cristina!" Her conflicted reply didn't make much sense.

"Well you clearly do know. Why else would you apply at Seattle Grace?" Cristina pressed.

"Dr. Webber offered it to me and I thought...I was just keeping all my options open… and I… I don't know what I was thinking!"

"Oh I think you do know what you're thinking." Cristina was sure that Meredith knew which decision she wanted to make, she is just afraid to actually make it. It's why she wants Cristina to guide her into a certain direction.

"I'm just not so sure if it's a wise thing to do, you know…" Cristina's suspicions were conformed. Meredith's looking for Cristina's approval and Cristina is not planning on giving it to her.

Cristina is was not going to be responsible for talking her best friend into making possibly the worst decision of her life. No way.

"It's not a wise idea Mere. He's gonna mess you up once again and then he will drive you out of town once again." Her frank words disturbed Meredith.

"Well thanks for the support" Meredith's snarky tone was noticeable. "I considered it because it's has one of the best fellowship programs in the country and because it would be a wise career move."

"Oh yeah and Shepherd would be the best from who you could learn huh?" she was pushing Meredith.

"Cristina! Stop it, you're not helping me right now." Meredith was growing more and more frustrated.

"Fine." Albeit reluctantly. "So what did you say to him?"

"I told him the truth. That I moved on and that he had to stay out of my life."

"Good girl." Cristina seemed genuinely surprised. "Well then I take it his bad moods and weird behavior are due to the fact that you've bruised his fragile ego."

"Derek doesn't have a fragile ego. He as an ego the size of Texas and then some." She did not want another reminder of the pain she may have caused Derek and she was sure that Derek's ego could never shrink.

"Sure he's a God complex and all that, but when it comes to you he's as insecure as a 14 year old girl. He was the woman in your relationship. He was begging you to commit, demanding that you'd always be there for him and moping ar-"

"Stop it" Meredith's patience is wearing thin and she did not want to hear about all the things that went wrong between her and Derek.

"Fine"

"So what will you do now?"

"I don't know" She let out a labored breath and then asked "Are you staying in Seattle?"

"Yeah chances are big that I might. Dr. Dixon is a flawless surgeon and the program is really good." Meredith also knew that it had a lot to do with a certain trauma specialist named Owen Hunt.

Alex had told her something about the army doctor who seemed to be Cristina's new man. "What about you Mere?"

"I might, maybe it's better in the long run" she was thinking about the ramifications of her actions on the long run much more these days.

"You mean what if Nate grows older and will resent you?" she replied candidly.

"I don't even want to think about that, I'm so afraid Cristina." Her words were barely audible.

"Clearly, but don't go all emotional on me. Call Izzie if you have to." Some things just never changed.

"Fine. Could you do me a favor?" Meredith asked meekly.

"No I'm not talking to Shepherd for you." Assuming that it had something to do with the man who was still messing with Meredith's head from 2000 miles away.

"No, not to him." Meredith continued her conversation with Cristina, giving her directions about the favor she was asking. She felt relieved after she hung up on Cristina. She was making the right decision.

The relief she felt was quickly replaced with guilt as she saw Nate who still alone. He wasn't playing as enthusiastically with the ball anymore.

He looked bored and Meredith knew it was because she neglected to give him any attention as she was on the for phone for more than 15 minutes.

"Come Nate, grab the ball so we can play together." She urged him her most excited tone as possible.

"No I don't want to play outside anymore. I wanna go inside now." More guilt was washing over her as sensed the unhappiness in his voice. It was a tone she used a lot when she was younger (except Ellis never let her get away with it).

"Come on Nate. It will be fun." She was desperately trying to make up for it.

"No! I wanna watch Nickelodeon." Making it clear that his mind was set.

"Okay let's go inside" she was not going to put of a fight with her stubborn son.

_***_

It wasn't until after dinner that Nate had regained his spirited mood again. Meredith was trying to put him to sleep, but he was once again refusing to go to sleep on time.

He was restless after Meredith had read him a story and his eyes were still wide open. He couldn't lay still and his hair was sticking up in every direction as id he already went trough a night of sleep.

"Do you know where Mommy comes from?" she tried a new approach.

"No??" his interest was raised.

"Seattle. That's where I was born. It's also where aunt Cristina lives." He nods when he remembers his aunt Cristina who came to visit last year.

"Me not. I was born in Boston mommy!" he told her in a serious tone as if he had to remind her of that fact.

"Yes. I know that." She smiled.

"Does my dad come from Settle?" she's taken aback by his question.

"It's SEATTLE" emphasizing how it was pronounced correctly "And no honey, your daddy does not."

"Oh" was his only reply.

Meredith didn't know what to make of it. He'd been asking questions about his father more and more lately. He was starting to understand that a lot of his friends at the hospital daycare did have a father.  
Meredith was blessed with a very smart child who was asking her questions about all sorts of things. But she always hated it when he started to ask questions about his father, she never knew how to really answer them. Nate also knew that it was not one of his mothers favorite topics, she answered him as cryptically as possible and didn't share much information about the subject at all.

"Mommy" she looks down on him waiting what he might say next. "Can we go to the zoo tomorrow? I wanna see the lions".

"No we can't sweety, mommy has to work tomorrow. But we can go to the zoo when we go to Seattle" she was looking for his reaction.

"Oh. We gonna go on vacation mommy? Like Mjami?" his face lit up as he was thinking back of their first vacation to Florida earlier this year.

Meredith had decided that a trip to the sunshine state would be a great idea for the two of them. She wanted Nate to have a normal childhood and that included having a vacation.

So they paid a visit to Disneyland and the Everglades. They also spent a day the Metro Zoo and went to the beach a couple of times. He had enjoyed it immensely. It was all he could talk about for weeks afterwards.

"No not a vacation. We're can go live in Seattle if we want. Mommy got a nice job there. If we want to." She explained.

"But the hospital is here in Boston mommy?!" stating the thing that was most obvious to him, he only knew of one hospital where his mother worked and that was Mass Gen.

"There is also a hospital in Seattle." Explaining that she would work at another facility.

"Another Hospital?" he frowned his eyebrows as he was thinking really hard.

"Yes. We can get a new house." Explaining the whole concept of moving to Seattle.

"But my room?" their house in Boston is the only home he has ever known and the idea of losing his bedroom was startling him.

"You get a new one. You can have the cars on the wall like you wanted" he'd been wanting a change in his bedroom for a while now, but Meredith didn't have the time to do it yet.

She was also reluctant to changing his room because she feared that he might be into something else a couple of months later and then he could demand another redecoration of his bedroom.

"Yes I want the racecars on the wall. I want the fast ones that go wroooom wrooom!" he was making hand gestures with it as if that would explain it even more that racecars were very fast.

Meredith chuckled in reply, she loved seeing Nate so enthusiastic.

"When we go?" he was very exited now. The new bedroom apparently did the trick.

"Three months from now."

He put up three fingers. "Ooh. Not three days?" he asks with a hopeful tone and a pout on his handsome face. The look he was giving her was enough to convince her to do anything for her little boy.

"Three months Nate" she confirmed.

"And I get to pick out the cars for the wall?" making sure that he was going to get what he wants.

"Yes, you can pick it out with mommy" she smiled, hoping that he was satisfied now.

"Why do I have to wait?" he clearly was not.

"Patience is a virtue Nathaniel. Besides the faster you go to sleep the sooner you get to pick it out, okay?" hoping that her strickt tone and persuasion would set him into going to sleep.

"Really?" he wanted confirmation.

"Yes really" she replied with a grin on her face as she was urging him to lie back down into bed.

"Thank you mommy, you're the best!" he got back up and hugged Meredith and gave her a quick kiss on her lips.

It were those little moments that warmed her heart with so much love. He could always do that with saying such a little thing or giving her a hug that made her whole world light up.

"You too, sweetheart. Goodnight" she covered him with the blankets and she turned on the nightlight.

"Night. Mommy" he started to drift off with a smile of his face. He looked so serene as Meredith watched over him. He didn't really fathom which change was going to occur this summer. It was all about getting the racecar themed room right now. It would be about so many other things once they will set foot in Seattle.

***

* * *

**A/N:** It looks like Meredith has made decision and that she will walk back into the lions den. Wise decision? Who knows.

I really, really hope that you guys like how I wrote Nate. I barely know any kids of his age, so it was difficult to find the right balance in writing a child. I also skipped time a bit so the day that Meredith would start her fellowship would come rather sooner than later.

**MacSmitty** was the first one to guess the right answer about Meredith's house (contact me in case you did not get my review reply). I want to thank you all for the reviews I got last chapter, I was overwhelmed and it's greatly appreciated.  
I really hope you've all enjoyed this chapter, be sure to let me know what you think!


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N: **This may be the second time that you've gotten an alert for the fifth chapter. I had already posted the chapter yesterday, but I deleted it quickly after I got angry about something that happened . I've calmed down now and I decided to post it anyway. R&R!

* * *

**Chapter 5**

**

* * *

  
**

_Gravity is working against me  
And gravity wants to bring me down_

"Gravity" --- John Mayer

* * *

Derek didn't know how to act or how to feel when he returned to Seattle. He wanted to be in a state of denial, he wanted to forget the words Meredith had uttered to him as he stood there hoping for a last chance. He wants to forget that he knows now that she has moved on and that she has a family now. To his owns frustration he was unable to do that.

Seeing the Chief was the first thing Derek on the agenda on the next Monday following his return. He wanted to have some sort of explanation as to why Meredith had applied to SGH and Derek knew that Richard could maybe offer him that.

"Why is Meredith Grey among the applicants for a fellowship at Grace?" Derek demanded an answer as he stormed into Richard's office without knocking on the door.

Richard Webber was a bit startled by the sudden intrusion. He took of his glasses and replied. "Because I asked her to come work here."

"Why?" Derek sounded frustrated, he didn't like that the chief was recruiting people for _his_ department behind his back.

"Because she is a promising young surgeon who has worked here before and the hospital could benefit form her." Richard made it clear that if she were to come to Seattle that it would be solely for professional reasons.

"Why didn't you tell me?" Derek wasn't satisfied with Richard's answer.

Richard realized that Derek wanted to know if there were personal reasons to it, he decided to put Derek's inquiry to a halt. "I don't know what your problem is Derek, but I would like for you to keep your personal life out of it while you make the selection. If you're unable to that, I'll do it myself."

Derek was struck by Richard's answer and the older man felt sorry for him.

"I had no obligation in telling you that I made an offer to an old employee." Richard explained.

"Is she going to accept?" Derek asked immediately

"I don't think so, Meredith told me that she had many other offers so there's a big chance that she might go for another program. So you can stop whatever it is that you want to do."

Derek didn't know what to do with that piece of information. Off course she would get many offers, he should've known that. She had turned into the incredible surgeon he knew she was going to become from the day she held a retractor for six hours.

Except, he doesn't know if he's supposed to feel relieve or anxiety over the idea of Meredith not coming back to Seattle.

"Look Derek, I don't want you to chase her out of town once again if she accepts, so maybe you could try to be more professional. I need you to get it together Derek and get out of my office I was about to make an important phone call before you stormed in."

Richard's last words only make Derek only angrier. He never chased Meredith out of town, she had chosen to leave and Derek was always professional (for the most part).

As she heads out of Richard's office he starts to realize that there is a huge chance that Meredith Grey might not even be moving to Seattle. The chance might have never been big to begin with and they might be practically nonexistent now because of his surprise visit.

***

In the months that went by the bitterness and anger Derek had started to experience after his short visit to Boston hadn't subsided. He was trying to do all things possible to keep Meredith out of his head. There were times where he turned to scotch and on the really bad days he turned to tequila. (He thought that is was rather appropriate to have her drink of poison to drown his sorrows with.)

He couldn't close his eyes without thinking of that another man's hands touching Meredith. He couldn't fall asleep without a nightmare about Meredith with that other man and a child.

It was a picture perfect that made him sick to his stomach. He couldn't allow himself to fall asleep for a long time, he'd wake up from some of the worst nightmares he'd experience since the day after her drowning.

All he could do was wonder if her significant other was another surgeon who she met in Boston or maybe it was someone she knew from her past when she lived there? How long was she together with him? When did she meet him and why did she let _him_ in and Derek not? Did she plan to get pregnant and start a family? It were all questions he didn't want to know the answer to, but it was all he could think about.

On the bad days he'd wish her significant other dead. Even though he knows that he is supposed to respect life (especially as a surgeon), he couldn't help but wish that the guy would drop dead at the side of the street. Or that he would vanish from the surface of the earth so that he will be unable to come near Meredith ever again.

There were also the days where he felt really disgusted by himself. Why did he let her move on? Why didn't he get out of his car that day at the airport? He should've gone down on his knees and begged her to stay, maybe that would've worked.

He just couldn't stop thinking about her, it was like he was possessed by some dark power. On those days he'd wish he never met Meredith Grey at all.

The fact that Derek was going in a downhill spiral didn't go unnoticed by others. Mark had started to grow really worried and used to drag Derek to Joe's multiple times a week. (This unbeknownst to Mark wasn't the best idea.)

Mark noticed that Derek was a mess at work, he snapping at everyone around him and he was in a bad mood 24 hours a day instead of 20 hours a day.

Still, Mark didn't expect to find his trailer in complete disarray when he set foot into Derek's a months after Derek's mysterious visit to 'New York'.

Mark Sloane found himself looking at a mess of beer cans, pizza boxes and take-out. He was especially astounded by the number of empty beer cans. He knew that Derek didn't have a drinking problem but Mark was growing worried that he might be on the way to developing one.

"You lied to me." the plastic surgeon announced as he stepped inside Derek's trailer.

"About what Mark?" Derek was not in the mood for company.

"Remember when you magically disappeared last month and you said you went to New York? I got a call from Carolyn this afternoon and she said you didn't go to New York at all." Derek was busted.

He told that lie to Mark to get him off his back as he was pressing where he went. I had helped because Mark hadn't pressed the issue afterwards.

"I went to Boston." Derek's reply was straightforward but filled with annoyance.

"Ew. Why on earth would you do there?" Mark's reply was filled with disgust.

"To see Meredith." He replied as he stood to open his fridge.

"I knew it."

"Shut up"

"So she broke your heart once again. That is the reason you're acting like a total bitch."

The trailer was filled with silence.

"Did you know that she plans on doing her fellowship here?" Derek asked with in vehemence tone.

"Well, well the dirty mistress comes back from the dead." Mark sounded astonished, but also amused. "Should be fun. Things were starting to get boring here anyway" he added.

Derek just huffed in reply. He wanted to tell Mark not to call Meredith a dirty mistress, but Derek knew deep down that she was a dirty mistress. His dirty mistress. That he turned her into his mistress. So he only shot Mark a glare.

"What? I mean that in a good way. It's great news. It means you'll get laid within a week when she returns." He said with a suggestive smile.

"No not gonna happen." Derek replied very resolute.

"What you're still angry with her or something?? You can be angry with her and still have sex with her you know." Mark clearly expected things to go back to where they once where if she were to come back.

"No Mark. She has a husband or a boyfriend and a child or maybe children" he didn't like saying those words.

"Grey's a mother?" Mark was even more astonished about this revelation. "My God!"

"What am I supposed to do?" Derek asked intensely.

"Do what I do, pick up a different woman every night and then kick her out when you're done. Why bother with a relationship if that doesn't work out anyway." He suggested with a manwhorish grin.

"Yeah I already tried that. That didn't work out so well." The only one night stand turned Derek ever had turned out to be so much more.

"Really. When did you ever have a one night stand?" Mark knew that having a one night stand is out of character for Derek and he couldn't remember Derek bringing a girl home for one night during college or medical school.

"When I came out here to Seattle. With Meredith. I picked her up at Joe's" he said with reminiscent smile that quickly disappeared.

"Oh really. I didn't even know that. Well I didn't think you had it in you!" Mark seemed genuinely surprised by his best friend's revelation and even a bit proud.

"Yeah." It was all Derek could reply in an apathetic manner.

Mark tried a different approach. "Well maybe the best thing to do is stay away from her. Married women are generally not a good idea. Mothers are even worse. Do don't go there."

That idea didn't seem all that appealing to Derek either. So he opened the beer can that he got out of the fridge earlier. He didn't even offer one to Mark.

"Just stop with the drinking Derek." Mark was really bothered by Derek's behavior.

"Or what?" he replied bitterly.

"Or I'll call Nancy and Kathleen and tell them that it's time for an intervention." He said with a smug tone.

"Fine!" he snapped as he threw his newly opened Heineken in the trash can. The last thing he needed were his annoying and meddling sisters thinking he had a drinking problem or them coming out here.

So Derek decided that it was enough for now with the self-pity, but that didn't mean that Derek was not at ease or going back to being his old self.

After Mark left his trailer he contemplated talking Mark's advice. Maybe he should a sting of one night stands just like she did all those years ago. Maybe that will hurt her in the same way that hurt him.

He knows it's childish to even consider it and that she did it back then in an attempt to get over him and that it was his fault that they weren't together back then.

Besides, there is no way she is going to leave her significant other with whom she shares a child by making her jealous. Aside from that, she still hates him.

Derek knows that it's all seems to be his fault and he's not taking that too well. He's Derek Shepherd and he doesn't handle failure so well. So he eventually decides not to take Mark's advice, the last time Derek took Mark's advice he encourage Derek to start dating. That worked out really well.

***

"Time of death 11:54" Derek called it was he violently ripped his surgical gown from his body.

He was so sure he could've save this patient when she was brought in, but there was too much bleeding and the brain started to swell. The patient was brain dead in a matter of seconds before he could do anything.

While he's scrubbing out he hears someone enter the scrub room. He looks up to find himself face to face with Dr. Bailey. She had her hands in the pockets of her dark blue scrubs and was sporting a stern look on her face.

"Sorry to hear about your patient." She said.

"Yeah" Derek's voice was barely beyond a whisper.

"So are you going to tell me what the hell is going on with you?" Bailey seemed interested in finding out what has been eating away at Derek for a while now.

"There's nothing going on, besides the fact that that 12 year old girl is brain dead and I have to go to her parents and tell them that their only child is dead." His reply was snarky.

"There was nothing you could have done to save her Derek," the way she used his first name meant that she wasn't standing there to just make small talk.

Derek dries his hands and takes off his scrub cap and leans against the sink.

"Now, will you just tell me what's going on already? I have to scrub in on my tumor removal in 20 minutes. I haven't got all day." She was using her no nonsense attitude the whole hospital feared.

"What makes you think something's going on?" Derek asked her first.

"Please. You've been moping around this place for months now, you don't seem to take care of yourself. I hear you hang you out with Mark Sloane every night at Joe's." Dr. Bailey had always been well-informed "It hasn't affected your work so I haven't said anything, but it has to stop at some point. The way you're behaving is not you."

"I.. I don't know." Derek just didn't know how to explain what's going on with him.

"Oh you do know?" she replied skeptically with a raised eyebrow.

"I went to see Meredith." He said eventually after Miranda had stared him down.

She should've expected it, it was always Meredith Grey who had the power to mess up Derek Shepherd.

"I take it that that didn't go very well?" Bailey didn't know why she was having this conversation. Granted, she liked Derek a great deal, but she was never up for hearing about a co-worker's love life. Especially not about the complicated (nonexistent) relationship between Derek Shepherd and Meredith Grey.

"That would be an understatement." his reply was filled with bitterness.

"So how is she doing?" Bailey was genuinely curious about her former intern. She had been proud to hear of her successes, but she was also disappointed in her decision to leave town three years ago.

"She has a family now. She got a child or maybe even multiple children. She.. she moved on Miranda." That was the last answer Miranda expected to hear.

"Huh, really? She tell you that?" Bailey couldn't believe that Meredith would ever start a family without anyone else but Derek Shepherd.

"She pretty much said it and I saw it with my own eyes."

"Wow she really changed then." Miranda Bailey had trouble reconciling this fact, it seemed so out of character. But people do change and apparently Meredith did too.

"Why don't you do the same Derek. I get that Grey might be the love of your life or whatever it is you call it, but you know there's no chance if she has a family now." She looked at him with a strict look. A look that said "I don't want any black panties on the bulletin board".

"I can't. I can't get perspective Miranda. I just can't." Derek was sounding very desperate.

"Well moping around this place is not gonna help you either." Miranda said truthfully.

"I just don't know what do. She applied for a fellowship here at Grace. Did you know that?" Miranda shook her head as Derek continued his rant.  
"What if she decides to come out here. Am I supposed to watch her play house with some other guy. I'm not going to take that without getting physically sick. I can't deal with seeing her everyday and knowing that I made the wrong choice. I just.. I just can't Miranda."

"Well stop it right there. First you don't know for sure if she'll move to Seattle. So stop worrying about a what if scenario. Besides if she were to work here it doesn't change a thing Derek. She'd be here for professional reasons only. Try to separate the two." It wasn't a piece of advice Derek longed to hear, but it was the truth and it was rational.

"I'm not so sure if I can do that.. I cannot stand there and-" he was interrupted by Miranda.

"Well you have to. You'll be her boss and her teacher. You have to treat her like any other fellow and if you don't do that I'll step in for the sake of balance." Her words where so very similar to the ones she said in an elevator almost five years back.

"Hmm a pediatric surgeon who would interfere in the Neurosurgical department huh?" a rare smile appeared on his face.

"If I have to." she replied with a smile on her face but she quickly detected the saddened look on Derek's face.

"Look I know that it may be hard for you to move on, but at some point you have to. You have to accept that things are over between the two of you. You've guys given it so many tries that I lost count, what I do know is that it always ends in heartbreak between you and Meredith so maybe it's not meant to be." Her words disturbed Derek, but she was right. Things have been over between him and Meredith for more than three years.

"It.. it" he wants to tell Miranda that he and Meredith are meant to be together. That she is his soulmate and that no one can ever take the place in his life she has, but he knows that she's right about things never working out between the two of them. "How am I supposed to move on?"

"Take it one step at the time. Well get a dog or something."

_My point is I have a dog. _

"Yeah" he said with a reminiscent tone as he remembers that she did the same thing in a futile attempt to get over him years ago.

"And shaving off that beard might help too, your hair can only do so much. Before you know it everyone will stop calling you McDreamy." Bailey said in a snarky, but playful tone.

Derek smiled back at Bailey and headed out of the scubroom as he saw that Bailey's patient was being wheeled in.

The anger and hurt had subsided a bit with but that didn't mean that he could accept the situation he was in. He doesn't know if he can function is she's around him almost every day if she comes out to Seattle. He can't figure out why she is willing to come here to Seattle to torture him. He doesn't want her working under him and see her play house with her husband and kids.

The other possibility frightened him a greater deal. What if she decided against Seattle. Bailey had a point, she hasn't committed yet while three of the other fellows had accepted SGH's offer last week. She would have to let her decision know soon. The longer she waited, the more likely she decided to choose another program.

***

The next day Derek arrives at the hospital a half an hour earlier. He had woken up early and gone fishing that morning. He had taken a long shower and shaven off his beard. After that he spend a twenty minutes doing his hair.

He exists the elevator and greets his secretary who tells him that she has already put his mail on his desk. On top of it was a printed e-mail from Meredith Grey sent to Richard Webber. It said that she had accepted the fellowship offer and said that she looked forward to coming back to work at Seattle Grace Hospital.

He couldn't believe it. She was really coming to Seattle. How he was going to deal with her presence was a question he didn't have the answer to. He just knew that it was time to make a change and to take on Bailey's advice.

Which meant that he was going to get a dog as soon as he is done with his shift.

* * *

**A/N:** 1. Derek is NOT developing a drinking problem, he was just going trough a rough patch.

2. This chapter was a bit fillerish, but necessary to show in which state Derek is in.

3. There will be Mer/Der interaction in the next chapter (and probably every chapter after that).

4. I noticed the comments/reviews for last chapter were down, I hope everyone is still loving this…

5. Thanks to everyone who reviewed and put me this story on alert, it really encourages me. So keep 'em coming!


	6. Chapter 6

**Disclaimer:** Grey's Anatomy doesn't belong to me, Patrick Dempsey however does (in my dreams)

**A/N: **Sorry that it took a longer than usual to update, but I've had a long and busy week and this is the biggest chapter so far. There is a lot of medical talk in this chapter, I tried to research it all by myself as best as I could, so any mistakes on the medical front are all on me.

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**Chapter 6**

_I don't know your thoughts these days  
We're strangers in an empty space__  
I don't understand your heart  
It's easier to be apart_

"We Might As Well Be Strangers" --- Keane

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"Mommy where are you going?" Nate sounded somewhat worried as he had witnessed the new babysitter walk into the kitchen and say hi to him. Helen was her name, he had seen her a week ago when his mother had her over for an interview. A nice elder woman who lived in the neighborhood.

Helen's presence meant for Nate that today would be the first day since they arrived in Seattle that he was not going the spend most of the day with his mother. He had already realized that that his mother had go somewhere when he saw dressed in nice clothes and run around the house to clean things up.

Nate was still dressed in his pajamas, his brown hair was a disheveled mess and he was till sleepy as he was slowly drinking a glass of milk. He was more focused on watching his mother hurry to gather her stuff like he often witnessed her doing in the morning before she went to work. Normally she'd also gather Nate's stuff to take him to the hospital daycare, but today she didn't.

He was going to stay home with Helen, something which rarely happened when they lived in Boston. Their babysitter in Boston used to occasionally watch him, only at times that his mother had a nightshift or when his mother was paged for an emergency surgery.

"I'm sorry about the boxes Helen, but his toys are already in the playroom. His books are all in his bedroom. All his stuff is unpacked." Meredith explained as she put on her coat.

"If he needs anything it's all on the list I left in the kitchen like I explained. Don't let him bribe you into giving him candy, he can be very persuasive at times… so yeah." Meredith spoke rather hesitantly; she was not looking forward to going to work and leaving Nate with a virtual stranger.

"I know. You already told me that during the interview." Helen reminded Meredith with a friendly tone.

"Right. And don't hesitate to call me on my cell phone if there's something wrong. If I can't pick up you can call the other number I gave you and then Cristina will be here." Meredith was once again giving her bits of information that were already known to Helen, but the older woman was patient with Meredith and just simply nodded in reply.

Silence filled the kitchen. Meredith knew she had to go.

"Where you goin' to mommy?" interrupted Nate.

"Mommy is going to the hospital sweetheart" she answered as she walked towards his seat.

"Oh. Why no daycawre?" he was used to be taken to daycare. He liked to play with the kids his own age, he liked it when his mother came by to take him for lunch or when she had some time off to play with him.

Meredith sighed, she knew that Helen must think of Meredith as a total lunatic with her weird demands and by not taking her son to the hospital daycare while it was possible.

"It's not possible yet. Maybe after a while." She tried to explain she was only able to take him to daycare once her secrets were out in the open.

"Why not now?" he asked in his sleepy voice.

Meredith didn't know how to answer that question and changed the subject. "Kiss mommy goodbye now. I'm gonna be late." She said hurriedly.

She scooped down on her knees to be at eye level with Nate. Nate's wrapped his hands around her neck and he gave her quick kiss, but he wouldn't let go after he gave her kiss. He rested his head on his mother's shoulder, whispering to her to please not to go.

"I have to go." he shook his head against her shoulder and started to sniffle a little.

"I'll be back before dinner tonight. We can have for dinner what you want. How does that sound?" trying to cheer him up.

He looked up. "You be back early?" he asked as he started to let go of his mother.

"Yes." She answered as she ruffled his messy hair a little more.

"You be a big boy now and listen to Helen today. Okay?" she tried to keep her own emotions at bay as the moment where she had to leave was there.

He nodded and whispered as bravely as he could "I am a big boy."

They said their goodbyes quickly and Meredith hurried quickly out her new house. She was not going to let Nate see the tears that were forming in her eyes. _Oh the guilt._

She lets herself have little moment to herself before she starts her car. She had to collect herself, she was about to walk into another messy situation as soon she would drive off to Seattle Grace Hospital.

She can't help but wonder if she made the right choice by coming out here. Nate had friends at the daycare in Boston. She had now changed his word entirely by moving out here, she had done something Ellis Grey had done to her decades ago. Except Meredith couldn't justify doing this for her career, she was doing it for a selfish reason. For a reason that may not even be not worth it.

There was something unnerving about having to face Derek Shepherd, she imagined what it would be like every day since that one day he stood on her doorstep. She didn't know if she was able to look him the eye after what he asked and when she coldly dismissed him.

In the two weeks she had been living in Seattle now she made sure not to run into him. He didn't know yet where she lived, so that helped a great deal. She didn't go to Joe's (not that she planned on going anyway). When she was asked to come to the hospital to sign her papers at HR, she only went after Cristina texted her to inform her that he was scrubbed in on a 5 hour long procedure.

***

The first thing Meredith Grey noticed as she stepped off the elevator were the stares she was getting from the nurses. Oh yes the would have plenty to talk about.

She decides to ignore it and continues her walk towards the atrium where the Chief was going to give his welcome speech. She spots Alex along the way and calls his name.

"Grey! First day back." he says excitedly.

"Yeah it is. And you, first day as an OBYN fellow. Who would've thought you would've stuck with the vagina squad." She said with a teasing tone. Teasing Alex about his specialty would never get old.

"Zip it Grey. I'm still very masculine." Alex was defensive about his choice, just like she expected.

"Well in that case you can come by my house after work and move up some boxes." Taking advantage of his words.

"Sure" he replied.

"So I didn't see you at the mixer." Inquiring after her absence last Saturday.

"I had other things to do." She was not going to announce to the whole hospital that she didn't want to go a mixer while her son was at home and had issues with leaving him alone with others.

"Well the bastard seemed disappointed by your absence, all he did was look at the entrance and drink single malt scotch. Sloane had to call him a cab at the end of the night, dude was too drunk to drive."  
It didn't sound like Derek at all, but on the other hand it wasn't the first time that he'd gotten drunk at the night of a hospital mixer.

He must've still felt rejected by Meredith and her avoidance had only added fuel to the fire.

"Just be careful." Alex warned her and she gave him a knowing look in return.

When Alex came by her new house last week do drop off some of Izzie's cupcakes he already had a conversation about the one thing she was very intent on not discussing at work. Alex made it clear that if Derek were to be unreasonable that he would take care of it. It was a nice gesture from Alex.

Their conversation had quickly died when they approached the reception area. It was already packed. There were some familiar faces, but for the most part unfamiliar. She quickly takes a seat in the back of the room while Alex went to find Izzie.

She silences her cell phone as she looks around to spot Cristina or Derek, but she doesn't see either one of them.

The chief starts the proceedings with giving them a warm welcome and then began to tell about his desire of Seattle Grace becoming the number one teaching hospital in the country again. He raised the bar by telling the fellows that was expecting much of them to achieve the hospital's goal.

In the meantime Meredith started to observe the people in the room more closely. She spotted Mark Sloane and Callie Torres standing at the back of the room without Derek.

She did however spot Cristina sitting in the front.

Her observation made Meredith once again realize that there still is smaller number of women than men. (Which annoys Meredith once again.)

The Chief talks for little then fifteen minutes, thanks them for their time and tells them to meet with their department heads for further instructions.

Meredith stands up but she still can't sense or see Derek anywhere. The room starts to clear out and she decides to find him herself for the meeting she was dreading.

Before she exits she gets approached by a familiar looking face. "You're Meredith Grey right?" the young woman asks her with an unsure voice.

"I know you." Meredith says out loud as she vaguely remembers the woman who stands in front of her. "I think I met you a few years back?" Meredith adds.

"Yes at that two day conference in Philadelphia" the woman replies.

"Right" Meredith smiles as she remembers. "You're Claire Hayes right?" as she tries to recall her name.

"Yup. That's me." Claire replies as the two women shake hands. Meredith feels pleased by having a familial face as one of her peers within her department. Claire starts to introduce her to two of the other fellows who were also looking for Dr. Shepherd. The fifth one apparently went to the nurses station to ask about Dr. Shepherd's whereabouts.

"The nurse just told me that we are supposed to meet him at conference room 3.05. Anyone have an idea where that is?" a short guy in a suit asks as he approaches the small group.

"I do." Meredith quips as she leads the way.

All five of them head towards the Neurosurgical wing to meet Dr. Shepherd in the conference room. They are met by a waiting Derek who was leaning against the doorway and fidgeting with his Blackberry.

"There you are. I was just about to send a nurse to find you guys. You have to get your pagers at the nurse's station as soon as we're done here. It will save us a lot of time when I'm looking for you next time." He said with a know-it-all tone.

Meredith finds herself looking at Derek who was sporting beige khakis and a light blue dress shirt with his lab cat over it. He had a more serious look on his face than the last time she saw him. The hopeful look he had then was gone.

Derek greats each one of them quickly. Meredith simply says hi to him as he shakes her hand like he did with the others.

He doesn't hold on longer to her hand, his handshake is firm and it sends a shiver down her spine.

She feels incredibly nervous with being around him, but Derek doesn't show a single sign of uneasiness. He was acting cool and composed while he addresses his subordinates.

Derek tells them to take a seat and starts to welcome them. He only glances at Meredith a couple of times as he tells them about himself and his credentials. She can't read his expression as he quickly goes on about what he requires from his fellows.

He then tells them about the way things are run within his department. He speaks to them with great appeal, he knows how to make an audience listen. Meredith is listening too, but she can't process much of what he says.

She is lost in her own train of thoughts as he tells them something about reporting to him directly and a weekly department meeting.

"So I'll be overlooking your cases closely in the first few weeks". His words make her focus and before she knows it he is handing each one of them patient files.

"Any questions?" he asks finally once he is finished. One of the male fellows asks him a question about his license and they are dismissed after that.

Meredith flees the conference room as soon as possible. She doesn't want him to set her aside to have a conversation, at least not yet. She needed a minute to breath. To process it all.

She gets the charts of her three patients at the nurse's station and starts to do what she does best.

Her seclusion doesn't last long. "Welcome back" she looks up and finds herself face to face with Cristina.

"Thanks." She replies.

"Have you seen Derek?" Meredith nods "And?" Cristina seemed very curious.

"He was strictly professional, doing his job." She couldn't hide the disappointment in her tone.

Cristina nods and glances at Meredith's chart. "You already have patients on your first day?"

"Yes, only three. I have to operate on one of them today." Meredith explains.

"Uhh. Why do you get to operate on your first day?" The surgical junkie inside Cristina was not very happy about not having the same opportunity.

"Dixon is holding us off." She explains to Meredith who was quirking and eyebrow at Cristina as she reviewed her patient's chart. "It's not fair."

"Oh please don't be dramatic. I only have to do a simple DBS." Meredith reasoned.

"At least you get to be in the OR" No matter what, Cristina was a surgical junkie.

"That is true, but in order to be in the OR I have to meet the patient first, so he can be prepped." She said with a grin. "I'll see you later" Meredith said as she walked off.

***

Relief washed over Meredith as she had the hemorrhaging of her patient under control. Mister Jones started to bleed excessively without any reason whatsoever.

Meredith knew that there was a five percent chance that it could happen, but she was caught of guard by the sudden complication.

"Thank you everyone." She was grateful to her team for their efforts. She took off her surgical gloves and headed to the scrub room to get scrubbed out, only to find Derek awaiting her in the scrub room.

He had changed into his dark blue scrub and he was wearing a blue scrub cap which she never had seen before. It was of course themed with boats, sailboats this time.

"There was a lot of hemorrhaging." He stated.

"It happened spontaneously, but it was nothing I couldn't have handled myself" she tells him.

"Next time, you can have me paged if such a complication arises again. There's nothing to be ashamed of in asking for help." Truth be told, she could have used an extra set of hands to stop the bleeding, but it didn't cross her mind to page him. She was used to solving problems by herself.

She simply nods and continues to wash her hands.

"So how are you enjoying your first day back?" that was clearly a personal question or did he just ask it out of cordiality?

"Fine. I shouldn't complain. I got to do a procedure unlike others." Referring to Cristina.

"Hmm. Well those others should've picked a more superior specialty like Neuro." He said with a smug tone as a little smile appeared on his face.

He doesn't continue the conversation with asking personal questions, which meant that his previous one was purely asked out of courtesy. The room was instead filled with an awkward silence.  
It was painfully clear to Meredith; he is not interested in her at all. There were no loaded exchanges or secretive glances. None of it and that makes her feel a bit dejected.

She didn't quite know why there was a sudden change. He wanted her so bad six moths back when he came to Boston, now he didn't even make a single pass at her. It was so unlike the Derek she knew. She was used to Derek who would always look at her like he had seen her naked or like he wanted her naked right now. She was used to Derek leaning into her and sniffing at her hair, breathing her in. She was used at Derek being angry at her, because he cared.

She wasn't used at Derek treating her like she was any other employee and like she meant nothing to him.

It's puzzles her. From what Cristina could tell her, he was still single. So she assumed that there was no other woman in his life. But she wasn't so sure now, it could be the case. What if he decided to really move on like she suggested? Oh God, what if she came here for nothing? What if she only came here to get hurt by Derek?

Meredith almost walks into Cristina as she leaves the OR floor in a hurry.

"What's wrong with you?" Cristina asks her.

"I just fled the scene. It was so awkward" she explained to her best friend.

Cristina lets out a sigh and lets Meredith continue her rant "I shouldn't have come out here, right? He hates me."

"He will definitely hate you if you don't tell him yourself. He will figure things out one day and that day might come soon now." Cristina was broaching a soar subject.

Meredith looked annoyed.

"Look you made your decision. You just have to deal with the hardest part before you chicken out and leave again." Cristina reminded Meredith.

"I'm not obligated to tell him right now. I can wait." Meredith tried to justify (mostly to herself).

"Sure wait until he's 18 and take the chance that he will resent you for it." Cristina said in her most sarcastic tone.

Meredith doesn't know what to say in reply, but she didn't have to as she was saved by her pager going off.

"Gotta go to the ER." She said to Cristina as she ran off.

***

Meredith gets flooded by a wave of noise and screaming people as she sets foot into the ER. In the midst on the turmoil was a tall handsome man who was overseeing the mess. He was giving direction as to where the incoming victims from a MVA where to be admitted.

Meredith immediately identified him as the head of trauma, Dr. Owen Hunt.

"Are you dr. Grey" he asks her curtly as he spots her. She wonders if Cristina had told him about her. Cristina certainly hasn't told her much about him.

"Yes." she answers cordially.

He didn't even bother to introduce himself in these circumstances. "Shepherd needs you to take over in curtain three." Great Derek seemed to be everywhere today.

She finds Derek overseeing an intern who was sedating a victim of the crash, he quickly briefs her on the status of the patient. According to Derek there was probably some internal bleeding, but it could wait for now.

"Keep her stable, make sure that someone does the films and scans. I've got another patient who's circling the drain. I need to do that craniotomy right now. I'll deal with Mrs. Carlson later." He said to her in his most professional voice.

"But what if it isn't just an internal bleed? What if the scans suggest something worse?" she challenged. She knew that his assessment was only based on what he saw from the outside, there was no way he could know what was going on internally.

"Just do it, we'll take it from there." He was not in the mood for a discussion.

She shakes her head in disbelief as he runs off to the OR. She orders the intern get Mrs. Carlson up for a CT immediately.

Just when she's about to take a seat next to the CT technician the scans come up. It showed one of the scenario's she feared.

Mrs. Carlson had a massive brain aneurysm that from the looks of it was about to rapture, she was in immediate danger of bleeding out if that happened. There was no way her patient was going to hold on until Derek was finished with his surgery.

She lets a nurse page Dr. Nelson as she orders her intern to prep Mrs. Carlson for emergency surgery. After waiting for ten minutes a nurse informs her that it didn't look like Dr. Nelson was answering his page because he might be out of town, she runs to the OR floor.

Meredith barges into OR two with the scans in hands after she had quickly put on a surgical mask.

"What is it?" Derek asks abruptly. He was not amused by Meredith crashing his surgery.

"I need your approval.." she begins to explain.

"I'm kinda busy here Dr. Grey. Can't it wait?" he asks with an annoyed tone.

"No it can't sir." She replies as firmly as she can.

"I really need your consent to perform an emergency procedure." She continues. "An aneurysm clipping on Mrs. Carlson".

He was not letting her perform an unnecessary surgery. "You like pushing the rules huh? You know you're not supposed to perform such a procedure by yourself, let alone on your first day." He was so condescending that it started to unnerve her.

"It's too advanced. Can't it wait till Nelson gets here?" he asks.

"It'll be too late. She'll die." Meredith replied.

"Have you already paged Nelson?" He asks.

"About 15 minutes ago and he's still not here. One of the nurse's said he might be out of town."

Derek starts think as he sets down his scalpel.

"So?" she asks.

"Let me see the scans more up closely." He seemed to be giving in.

She holds up the scans for him to see it up close.

"She needs surgery now." Derek concludes. "If the aneurysm raptures the bleeding would cause her to lose most of her brain function."

"That's what I've been telling you." Meredith says with exasperation in her tone. "Just let me start the procedure Dr. Shepherd."

"You're not supposed to… What if you kill the patient?" he demands.

"I won't. I've scrubbed in on this kind of procedure a gazillion times and I've done the clipping myself multiple times. Besides Mrs. Carlson is gonna die for sure if we do nothing. So I might as well take a chance to save a life." he told her those exact same words once himself. On that day when he decided to cut blind when he didn't know what was wrong with their patient.

"Fine." He gives in. "You start the procedure. As soon as Nelson gets here he'll take over or as soon as I'm finished here, I'll take over. Clear?"

"Yes sir."

***

"All right. The clip is placed." Meredith said in an utmost tone. The anxiety she felt before she started had completely disappeared once she began to cut.

The gallery was filled with interns and residents who wanted to witness her performing the procedure. The probably expected her to mess it up or something.

"I need some suction, so I can check it once again." she asked her intern, she wanted to be sure that she had done a textbook procedure.

"The pressure is going up, Dr. Grey." One of the older scrub nurses informs her. "The bleeding has stopped."

"Which means that it has worked. All right, time to close up." Sounding extremely relieved.

Just as she is closing up Derek enters the OR. "Where are you?" he demands as he puts on his surgical gloves.

"I was just about to close up." She couldn't help sounding smug.

"Are you sure that there is no bleeding or vasospasms." He starts to fire questions about how it went as if he was sure she must have done something wrong.

"See for yourself Dr. Shepherd. No complications or whatsoever." Inviting him to inspect her work himself.

The intern made place for him opposite Meredith at the operating table as he looked at her work. "Hmmm" he simply hummed.

"Looks good. Cuts look a bit sloppy though." He says as he looks her in the eye in a condescending way.

He had to find something to criticize her for. _Arrogant bastard!_

"It's an emergency surgery Dr. Shepherd, I maybe would've done things more precisely had I opened her up earlier." Obviously referring to Derek stalling time while he was holding her off to perform the surgery.

He kept watching her every step as she closed up. "All right. That's it. Great work anyone." Meredith says as her closing statement.

"Can you monitor Mrs. Carlson trough the night?" she asks her intern.

She then exits to OR to scrub out, only to find Derek scrubbing out himself.

"I think I owe you an apology." He starts. She's quiet as he continues. "I shouldn't have doubted you, I'm sorry for that. But you have to understand that it's your first day and you're not up for such a procedure just yet. That's the reason why I was reluctant, it has nothing to do with you."

Meredith only nods in reply. She's afraid of where the conversation might lead to. She looks into the OR as the water washes over her hands. She glances at the clock and sees that it's almost 5 pm. The time has flown by today and she needs an exit strategy, if only for the reason that she promised Nate to be home on time.

"I have to head home." She excuses herself as she turns to leave to exit.

"You've moved back into your old house?" he asks. Genuinely curious about her living arrangements.

"No I got a new one. Not so near to the hospital. So.." making it clear that she couldn't say much longer.

"All by yourself?" he wants to hear her say it, to confirm it for once and for all. _So much for taking Bailey's advice._

She's quiet and doesn't know how to answer him. She looks down and shakes her head.

"Meredith, things don't have to be awkward between us" it's the first time he addresses her this informally and that he has shown a sign of his true feelings.

"But tings will be awkward. So I think it's better to try to keep things professional Dr. Shepherd. It's for the best." She feels like a total bitch for uttering those words and he must think she came to Seattle just to torment him.

Derek is only left with frustration and anger. Just when it looked like they made one step forward she made sure that they took five steps backwards. It has always been like this with her.

"Well don't let me keep you then. Doctor Grey." He practically spat her name out as she heads out of the scrub room. He feels pissed off and felt the need to convey that to her.

He hates that she's trying to hide that she has a family. Not only does it make him feel dejected, it makes him feel completely worthless.

She doesn't even care enough to let him know. He should've known that she didn't care. Two years is rather permanent. She's over him, so over.

Still he can't help wonder why she was acting so awkward and rambly towards him. Why it is that she can't really look him in the eye.

***

"That's the last box I think." She tells Alex. He walks down the stairs with Nate following him.

Meredith's grateful to Alex for coming over and taking care of the boxes. She couldn't have done it herself. The boxes have been standing in her way for more than a week.

Nate followed Alex into the living room. He had been very intent on helping Alex carry the boxes (not that he could carry them). He liked Alex, he liked him since they day he came by do bring the most delicious cupcakes.

"I could use a beer." Alex announced as he plunged down on the sofa.

"No drinking in front of the little one." Meredith announced as she glanced at Alex.

"I'm not little!" Nate interrupts as he jumps up from the couch. He knew they were talking about him.

"I wasn't talking about you sweetheart" Meredith said in attempt to make sure Nate wouldn't throw a tantrum.

"Nate come here to uncle Alex." Nate practically jumped on top of Alex and forgot about the 'insult'.

"If you're not little then you it's time for you to learn how to play some baseball. I bet your mother hasn't learned you. So?"

"Yes!" Nate immediately agrees. He then looks at his mother with a pleading look on his face to see if she if she's okay with it.

"Why not?" She directed her words to Alex.

"Cool. I'll take you to the park buddy and I'll teach you how a real man plays ball." Alex said in a manly way.

Meredith rolled her eyes. She knew that once Nate would become a teenager that she had to shield him away from Alex.

"I have a baseball bat!" Nate announced excitedly. "Mommy can take it to let Alex see? Please?" his excitement amused Meredith.

"Sure. Just be careful and don't create a mess." With his mother consent Nate ran towards to the playroom where all his toys were stalled.

It was the perfect opportunity for Alex to speak what's on his mind. "So what are you going to do? Wait for Shepherd to find out himself?"

"What?" Meredith looked up with a irked look on her face.

"Come on. You know you want to bring him to hospital daycare. Just the guilty look on your face when you came home. You hated leaving him with a babysitter." Alex was very blunt and very right with his observation.

"Yeah. I do It's what my mother always used to do. I'd prefer to bring him to the hospital daycare." Meredith admitted.

"So tell Shepherd. He's gonna be pissed, but he'll come around at some point." Alex reasoned.

"At some point?" Meredith quirked an eyebrow, she wasn't so sure if Derek could be rational once he found out. "What if he doesn't want to have anything to do with me or worse- nothing to do with Nate?" this scenario was passing her thoughts at nights more and more since she moved to Seattle.

"Worst case scenario; he'll fly into a blind rage and yell at you. But no way the dude wouldn't want to know his own son. Believe me, even I wouldn't do that." Alex' words didn't soothe Meredith much.

"I think I'm gonna wait for a while. You know until things are a bit normal between Derek and I and until Nate has gotten accustomed to Seattle." She was justifying her choice to herself instead of to Alex.

Alex snorted in reply. _When were things ever normal between Derek and Meredith_?

"Suit yourself. It's not my choice to make." He finally said.

The silence was quickly interrupted. "Look uncle Alex. It's new, mommy buy it for me in Boston. It came to her in the box with all the other things." Nate said breathlessly as he ran into the room. Meredith chuckled at his explanation.

He was showing off his baseball bat as a proud owner.

"Ooh this one is perfect." Alex said as he grabbed hold of it. "So how about we go to the park on Wednesdays in the afternoon?" he suggested.

"Okay!" Nate agreed.

"Mer?" Alex looked at Meredith to see if that was okay with it.

"Yeah I'll clear it with the babysitter. You can pick him up and take him to the park." She knew that it would be healthy for Nate to be surrounded by some testosterone. Alex may not be his father, but he would be a good role model to Nate for the time being.

---

* * *

**A/N:** First my gratitude and thanks for everyone who commented last chapter. I was really overwhelmed by the number of reviews, so thanks :)

This chapter makes it clear that Derek took Bailey's advice, he's trying to distance himself from Meredith. Meredith takes it as a sign of Derek not being interested in her anymore.

Meredith had a hard time with leaving Nate with a babysitter, she finds it very Ellis-like to do such a thing, but she has no other choice due circumstances. Not wanting to be like her mother is also one the reasons for getting a new house (it was the favor she asked Cristina in chapter 4).

This chapter is a lot about Mer being back and dealing with being back in Seattle and figuring things out.

I hope you liked Alex. Alex and Nate's batting practices will be nothing like Derek's on the show, but it will lead to something significant (involving Derek) in the next chapter perhaps.

Guys I've got a choice to make and I could really use your input. Last chapter established that Derek got a dog. I just don't know what kind of dog he got himself, my choices:

1. A German Shepherd

2. An Irish Wolf Hound (Googling let me to believe that doc was a Wolf Hound.. is it?)

3. A Portuguese waterdog (Gotta hand it to the Obama's. plus it's a real family dog *hint*)

I would appreciate some input on the matter, I'm having a hard time with deciding. Thanks for reading and reviewing!


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